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Palace Veteran
Posts: 3089
Location: In The Heart Of The Divine Mother - Kateri Amma | The best engine <!--.hmmessage P{margin:0px;padding:0px}body.hmmessage{font-size: 10pt;font-family:Verdana}--> A notable gynecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental"
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Location: new york | Nominated by UN as the best Poem of 2006
Written by an African Kid
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black :
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black
And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey
And you calling me colored?? | |
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Location: Canada | To all Canadians First I thought this was funny.... Then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end! Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway! Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think. Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries Tax his tears.. Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ass. Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough. When he screams and hollers; Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid. Put these words Upon his tomb, 'Taxes drove me To my doom...' When he's gone, Do not relax, It’s time to apply The inheritance tax. Accounts Receivable Tax Airline surcharge tax Airline Fuel Tax Airport Maintenance Tax Building Permit Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Death Tax Dog License Tax Driving Permit Tax Environmental Tax (Fee) Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment (UI) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Gasoline Tax (too much per litre) Gross Receipts Tax Health Tax Hunting License Tax Hydro Tax Inheritance Tax Interest Tax Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Mortgage Tax Personal Income Tax Property Tax Poverty Tax Prescription Drug Tax Provincial Income and sales tax Real Estate Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax Retail Sales Tax Service Charge Tax School Tax Telephone Federal Tax Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Water Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax --- and in 2010 the HST STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years age, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What in "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'politicians?' | |
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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Location: new york | Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' | |
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Location: new york | One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Location: new york | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Location: new york | ------Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal | |
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Location: new york | SAY WOT Fellow comes home from work early goes upstairs quietly - not wishing
to disturb his wife. He is tired and just wants to catch some sleep
so crawls straight in to bed. He is surprised to find her there under
the sheets. After some preliminary action they settle down to some
heavy, eager, and most enjoyable sex - actually the best in recent
memory.
Later as he comes downstairs he sees her busy in the kitchen. He tells
her: "You know, I have to be the luckiest man in the world. You have
just served me with the most fantastic sex and here you are, fifteen
minutes later, diligently peeling potatoes to make my supper. You are
the most wonderful wife"
She responded: "What the hell are you talking about?"
He said: "Now, don't be coy. You've got to agree that what we just
had upstairs was absolutely memorable"
She: "You must be out of your freaking mind"
then ..... "Oh ****!" ..... she remembers that her Mother was
visiting and was tired so she told her to lie down in their bedroom
upstairs.
She confronted her mother, angry as Hell: "Why the Hell didn't you say
something to him?"
The mother's response: "I haven't spoken to that man in ten years and
I wasn't about to start now" | |
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Location: new york |
Ray is Gay.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS..'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'. | |
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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Location: Canada | Tiger Woods It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" | |
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Location: Canada | Merry Christmas to all, and be careful out there............ 
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Location: new york |
^^^^ I wonder how long he hang there for before he got rescue / jump or the gutter gave away lol | |
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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I don't know where to put this?
I think that is Liza is in the video
lmao and at the same time i wanna pelt a bottle across he head. Friggi*g man a move like kite..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PamvK4E3E0w&feature=related
Edited by sham1974 23/12/2009 11:40
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Location: Canada | JUST A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER.....MM If you have ever had to organize the office Christmas party, you'll love this. However, in this present climate of PC, you'll be able to relate to this, Christmas party!...read to the end ! From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE:
Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that
the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon
in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...
feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges
of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your
family,
Patty
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------------------------ FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE:
Gala HolidayParty In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important
holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on, we're calling it our " Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and
to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your
family,
Patty
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FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE:
HolidayParty
Regarding the note I received from a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your
name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am
I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift
exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too
much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER:
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
PATTY
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FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:
All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE:
Generic HolidayParty
What a diverse group we are! I had no
idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will
be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission
to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed,
apparently because of concerns about confusion in the
restrooms.
Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat
food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we
cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House
suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will
be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply "no sugar"
desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE:
The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with
you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing
salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos
can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die, The B*tch from
H*ll!!! PATTY
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FROM:
Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October
6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday
Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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Palace Veteran
Posts: 2887
| lol...awww...poor patty, them stress she out she gan sick... | |
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Palace Veteran
Posts: 2887
| lol...awww...poor patty, them stress she out she gan sick... | |
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Location: Canada | COP AND A LITTLE GIRL A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa: The **** goes underneath the horse, not on top ' | |
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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GuyanaPalace.com Legend
Posts: 6154
Location: Secreted in a tightly sealed undisclosed location | This young comedian said he was at this convention with these old folks- senior citizens and they kept on saying the world is coming to an end this is the end of times; so he said to them you guys are sure as hell right on that one- your world is coming to and end. It is drawing closer every day to the end of your time.
I hope you get the joke sourpuss!  | |
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GuyanaPalace.com Legend
Posts: 6154
Location: Secreted in a tightly sealed undisclosed location | This is why husbands should NOT take their wives shopping...
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.
******************************************
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Sincerely,
John Q. Storemanager
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GuyanaPalace.com Legend
Posts: 4591
Location: Wild Rose Country, Canada | Chandrasekhar Subramanian's performance at an American School:
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fxxx the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little Shyte . If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh Shyte, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008" (recession)
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GuyanaPalace.com Legend
Posts: 6154
Location: Secreted in a tightly sealed undisclosed location | Chandrasekhar Submarine sounds like a real wise ass kid! He's the type I used to beat up in school. | |
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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GuyanaPalace.com Legend
Posts: 6154
Location: Secreted in a tightly sealed undisclosed location | "Occupation"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The
accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security
number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a *****."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That
will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try
to rephrase that."
The woman says, "Okay, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman
says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a ***** or a prostitute?"
The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000
c@cks last year!
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
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Palace Roraima
Posts: 885
| Animals behave just like humans, or should I say that we still behaveexactly like animals. No matter how hard we try to move off fromnature, it remains in us. Have a look at the second picture below andyou’ll see what I’m talking about. It’s absolutely hilarious. I thinkshe’s only missing a cigarette. 
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Location: new york |
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a
trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked
both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Location: Canada | This is a picture of the US Air Force's new MOAB--- the 'Mother Of All Bombs'. It is an upgrade of the 15,000 pound 'Daisy cutter' which was used in Afghanistan The USAF and Coalition forces are planning to drop The MOABon Tehran, Iran. From the looks of it, if you get hit with this - you haven't got a prayer! 
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Jokes/Humor
